If only I liked school

Ever since I was young, I have been very interested in people, the way they act, and why they do things. My favorite tv shows involve crime dramas, the X-Files and Bones being the best. For a long time I wanted to be a profiler for the FBI. The criminal mind is so interesting. Why do some people kill? Why do some people tourture? Why are they different than the general public? Are they actually different? Does everyone have the underlying ability to kill and some just can’t with hold it? To bad I had no enjoyment in school. The only things I really enjoyed were my arts classes. I never really liked doing anything else, espically homework, so that career never took off, but I still enjoy thinking about it.

I’ve always been a people watcher. I was a loner in middle and high school, so I spent most of my time just watching my class mates. Because of that, I’ve become a very good judge of character. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t, because it has kept me from making friends, but then again, the friends I do have are some of the best ever because I am such a good judge of character.  In my line of work, I come across a lot of people with different characters. Some of them I wish I didn’t have to work with, but I have to, but such is my line of work.

Being a stage manager I get to see pretty much every character and character flaw known to man. Actors have to portray almost any type of character and sometimes a little part of themselves goes into that. The rehearsal process brings that out the most. But most of the time, every piece of the actor that goes into their character brings out the character the best. One of my favorite parts of being a stage manager is getting to watch how the person changes as they portray the character. The rehearsal that rings most true in my memory is a rehearsal of Violet. The actor playing the father had a very hard scene with Violet later on in the show, helping her bring clousure to her disfiguring scar. The first time we did that scene the actor broke down and cried because he put so much of himself into the scene. From that point on, his portrayal of the character was deeper and stronger. Because of that, I’ve come to understand and respect the actor and what they do.

So while I couldn’t follow a love of the human mind to a different career, I think I found the best possible career because, in a way, I still get to examine what people do and why.

Traditions…

Every time I do it, I’m reminded why I’d rather not. I hate calling shows from back stage. I understand why it was done, but really there’s no reason to continue to do so now. Before we had the technology it made sense. Lights were run from backstage on giant dimmers and there really wasn’t a good way to cue people on rails and such. But now, lights are run from the booth and we have clear com to help us out. Now, the clear com system here isn’t the best, but I honestly think that’s worse. The system has gone out here a few times, and the show had to be called on walkie talkies. Frankly, if it had been my show I would have ran to the booth and called lights next to the board op and walkie the guys on rail.

That’s not my only issue with the whole thing though. When you call from back stage, you only have a small view of what is going on between what you can see right in front of you and what is on the tiny moniter they give you. If you’re a visual person like I am, cues most of the time are going to be called off visuals, which is MUCH harder to do when you only have a small window.

Still, the older stage managers call from backstage. It’s probably just because they’re more comfortable doing so, and that’s fine. I just would like to be able to have that option. I fought for it when I was with the BSU opera, but failed because I wasn’t listened to and I never even tried here because I KNEW no one would listen to me on that respect, that and the house and pit are controlled from backstage (a slight design flaw in my opinion).

I have to say though, the differences between each stage manager makes this profession a very interesting one. None of us is at all like the other; even the way we do our paperwork is different. I am a hands on stage manager myself, I would rather do stuff and know how it’s done then sit there and watch it being done. Others would rather just sit there, but sometimes that’s a problem. I had a situation where the stage manager complelty shut down and she pretty much stopped doing her job because she was just inclined to watch. I ended up running everything except for the light board (because at that theatre SM’s ran lights and called sound). I never want to get to that point where I don’t wan to do anything but show up, it’s not good for moral of the performers or the rest of the crew. A stage manager who has no problem working along side his or her crew will get more respect from the crew members, I’ve been trying to do that and it always pays off.

All and all, I love my job. I couldn’t see myself doing anything else (even when I’m REALLY angry about things). Who else gets to go to work every day and create magic with other people? It’s a rush every time I get to do it. It’s an even bigger rush with everyone in the cast and crew have the same love for their jobs. Life gets more exciting every day.

DKWTT, Pt 2

S0, I’ve been watching my visits and it seems that my most popular post is Don’t Know What to Think, a post from when I was just starting to date Matt, the 19 year old was still talking to me and I still kinda had a thing for one person that I’ve worked with. Well, in those 4 months, many things have change. I’ve told the 19 year old that he’s just to young for me, the other person I haven’t even been friends with this summer, and I’m still with Matt. I now know what to think. Matt is possibly the best guy in my life right now. Yea, it’s really corney sounding, but its true. I’m just really happy with him, even if he’s 5 hours away right now.

It’s been so long since I’ve been in an actual relationship that it’s hard to even think how to even have one. I do know that he makes me happy and that’s all that really matters. And no, if you’re wondering, we haven’t actually talked about if we’re official or not. I wish we did before I left, because drunk me decided to just tell him that I wanted him as my boyfriend. Let me tell you, after realizing what I had done, waking up the next morning I was scared I had scared him away, but I hadn’t luckily. He must really like me if he can deal with my drunk and my sober self. I actually want him to meet my parents….let’s see how that goes!

The summer is getting better, at least in my brain. As of midnight, I only have 15 more days left here. 2 weeks. I hate having countdowns for days like that, but let’s face it, if I’m not really happy I want to get out as soon as possible. Now don’t get me wrong, I love what I do more than anything. Being a stage manager is the best part of my working life, but I shouldn’t be dreading to do a show because I’m not sure what people I work with will judge me for. But, more about that later. Happy thoughts for now. =)

The One Thing I Wanted

Two things have happened in the past few days that have finally put me right again. One is Maureen and Neil’s visit. They have been the only people in a long time that have promised to visit me and actually did, and for that I love them even more. They really don’t know how much the visit means to me, but that’s ok, they do know what they mean to mean.

The other just happened a few hours ago. I have been wanting one thing all summer, and that is someone to give some good constructive critism and actually listen to me. You’d think at a theatre company that would be common place, but its not. Sure, it took this person till we were almost in rep to even say anything, but when they did it lifted all bad feelings that still existed away. Why? Because of these few sentances, “I thought we could sit down and talk like adults” “If you ever feel like this anymore, please come find me” and “There are just little things that I know you can do”. And, to make it even better, I knew they were listening to me and looking at my side instead of making me feel like I’m terrible at my job. That conversation which took maybe 10 minutes made me feel so much better. I feel like crying, but a happy cry. I know this person is going to go far in their career, because if they saw something and said it directly to me, that means they care enough about the people they work with, and the people that work for them. I just hope that I can work on that skill as well.

I am not that girl

I’ve never been the girl who has planned out her wedding. My thoughts on the matter are to find the guy first, then plan the wedding because the wedding should be about both the bride and groom. That being said, one of my guilty pleasures is watching TLC’s Say Yes to the Dress, and when I had the channel, W’s Bridal Sundays.

I’m nowhere near getting married or any of that, but those shows make me think about some wedding things. I still don’t have anything planned, but sometimes I get an idea of the dress I may want. I kind of have my bridal party picked out, but lets be honest, that one isn’t so hard.

I honestly have no idea why the thought of it pops into my head every once in a while. It’s been happening more and more the older I get. I’m really not sure if its biology or a hidden fear that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life, but it is annoying. I wish I could stop the thought until I’m actually ready for that next step in my life, but that probably won’t happen. Oh well, the best I can do is just deal with it.

Tranquility

A weight lifted off my sholders when I realized today that just because someone tells you something, doesn’t mean its true. Espically if you’re hearing things through a third party. There is a reason why hearsay isn’t allowed in court. You can’t be sure what is said can be true. I also realized, that just because one person says something, but everyone else says something different, there is probably something that isn’t true. Now that I’ve realized that, this summer will get much better because I know, and many other people know, the truth. It’s amazing what one little feeling does to a person. Bigh sigh of relif!!

Negative Nellie

I’ve been really negative lately. I don’t want to be, but sadly it’s happened. I really have a lot of good things in my life and I need to focus on that instead of my  problems at work. This is mostly because I know that I’m not the only one who feels this way, so life really can’t be that bad, right? Right. And besides, just because I feel this way here, doesn’t make its true. I have lost of people who think very highly of me, so the way I’m feeling now is completly untrue.

Now, on to the good things in my life, because I have tons of them: my current housemates, the giant monster in my fridge, my two amazing roommates (who will be here in 4 days!!!), my favorite theatrical jack of all trades Daniel, Matt (who doesn’t have his phone right now..silly boy), Charlie the gerbil, my love of cooking, my horn, my family (sure, they get on my nerves, but they aren’t half bad), my PSM from ETC Scott who I can go to for any advice work wise, my good health, my computer, and my phone. I’m sure there’s more, but those are the main ones. I think it’s important to think about the good things every once in a while to stay happy in the midst of bad situations. Which is getting progessivly harder by the second. Positive. Stay positive. Neil and Maureen will be here on Saturday. They are two great friends who I can talk to about anything, and they always make me feel better about life.

Remember. Be happy. Be happy. Be happy. Life is awesome, even when it doesn’t seem so.

Random thoughts

I am constantly thinking. Most of the time I want to write down my thoughts but never get a chance to. Granted, most of them aren’t amazing, but just sometimes I make a lot of sense.
My most recent thought was about egos. Everyone has one, and yes, some of them do need to be stroked, but many of them don’t. Big egos are a danger not only to the people that have them but also to the people who are around them. Working in this business I have met a few, but normally the people who have them are still decent people. Every once in a while though, I meet a diva who sincerely believes they are better than everyone else and treat people like they’re terrible. I generally don’t know how to deal with people like that because they never listen to anyone else. Honestly, there is no reason for that because no one is truly better than anyone else. There will always be someone you meet that can do things you can’t and vise versa. Moral of the story? Be respectful.

The Human Condition

I’ve only been alive for 25 years, but in those 25 years I’ve learned a lot. Age and rank doesn’t mean wisdom and intelligence, mistakes happen, we learn from bad times, working hard is better than not working, and enjoy the people you care for. Every day is a learning expirence so I hope to grown smarter.

Working in theatre has helped me to understand all of those things even better. I have people over me who are older and have been in the field a little longer, but they still aren’t smarter than me. I also have someone I work with who doesn’t understand that people make mistakes.  While we work to avoid them, they still happen, so just move on. But working under someone who doesn’t understand that has become very stressful and almost unbearable. There is no way to be excatly perfect every time a show goes up. When mistakes do happen, the only thing is to correct them and to figure out how to not make them happen again. There is no reason to be mean or condesending about it.

I wish I could just tell the person how I feel about them, but I feel that if I took my thoughts and concerns to said person I would be treated even worse. See, that person seems to think that they can do no wrong and whenever anyone tells said person they are wrong, they blame other people or say that the accuser is wrong. How does one approach a person who thinks, no KNOWS they are better than everyone around them? Can they even be convinced? Or is it just better to be dropped? This is something I hope to learn, because I want my age and widsom to match.

Those three little words

When is the right time to say them? I’ve been wrestling with that for about a month. We’re not official…but I feel it. I keep on wanting to say something…but I want to do it in person. That is something that needs to be said face to face; any other way would make it not as meaningful. Then there is the whole delema…does he feel the same way? Should I just wait for him to say it? Shouldn’t we be official first? This may be the hardest thing I’ve ever done…I’m pretty freaked out to say them to.

I need to remember that parts of my life are awesome. My I hate list was a way of venting. Here’s a list of things I DONT hate:

My roommates =D
My horn
Naps
Cold lemonade on a hot day
Sleeping during thunderstorms
Cooking
Baking
That penguin
Triskets
Cookouts
Summer
My birthday
Martha
Nathan
Matt
Shopping
Computer
Chicago
Lake Michigan
Beach
Swimming
Japenese Cherry Blossom sent from Bath and Body Works
Showers
Driving
Tuxes
Animals

I’m in a much better mood. Life is amazing.