Deep Breath

February 10, 2013

I went to my parents’ for lunch today, and afterwards my mom asked if I wanted to go see my brother. I hadn’t been back since the day we buried him; I had been avoiding it. Even though I still get weepy every once in a while, I had been doing really well. We weren’t there for long; mom put more skittles out for him (skittles were his favorite) and I just stared at the stone. I didn’t actually tear up until I got on the road up to Skokie and heard a song by the Lumminers, I can’t remember the name, but the words brought tears to my eyes. The song talks about when they were young, and I’m pretty sure that’s what got me. I love music, but I hate sometimes that it brings out more emotions in me than anything else.

Today, Matt gave me my Valentine’s present, mainly because he got his early. He got me a lot of Spongebob candy, a DVD, but most importantly, a necklace with a little black cat on it, for Batman. Even though Matt didn’t say much when my brother died, everything he did showed me he loved me and was there for me. The biggest thing being bringing me Batman. I remember thinking that day that I had wanted a kitten pile, and he brought me the closest thing possible. These past few months would have been much worse if I didn’t have that snuggely, furry cat near me. Even though life isn’t perfect, the little things Matt has done for me has made it livable.


Radio Silence? Woops

January 31, 2013

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here, I know. I’ve been mostly writing in my food blog and haven’t really felt the need to emote on here, I suppose. I was going to write the normal New Years post, but never got around to it. The past year was crazy and then really awful, and then got a little better.

I’ve been feeling a little out of shape and unhealthy lately, and I keep on wanting to go to the gym, but I can’t ever get myself to do it, for some reason; which is awful because I live so close to my gym. I’ve been thinking a lot of about doing yoga again. My last semester in college I took a yoga class twice a week, walked everywhere and took the stairs on campus. I was in the best shape of my life, and I want that feeling again. I’ve already tried eating healthier, I basically eat unhealthy when I’m with Matt, and the past two days not even. I had Italian Beef yesterday (and late night Mcdonald’s, that was the really bad thing) and today I had a salad and one of Fazoli’s “healthy” options, not sure if the under 390 calories was correct, but it was a smaller portion and WOULD have been fine if I hadn’t eaten 5 of those bread sticks. Anyway, on my days without Matt I’ve been eating a lot of whole grains, beans and I bought some quiona to try out. I’ve been drinking a lot more water than I normally do, also.

Well, after sitting on the couch for about a half hour thinking about yoga, I just decided to do it. If that’s what started me on the health kick before, it will jump start my going to the gym again. I only practiced it for about a half hour but I already feel better. I had a headache before I started, but I don’t anymore. I forgot the great feeling I get when I stretch like that. My goal is to start doing it a few times a week.

Everyday I ‘m reminded how much Matt loves me, he’ll bring me things from work just because he knows I’ll like them. He makes me so happy and I’m glad we’re together. I couldn’t imagine my life with any one else.


Crazy Fingers!

November 16, 2012

It’s been a while, I know, but life has been kinda weird in the past few months. Matt’s been working midnights and even though I still get to see him, I feel like I don’t get to see him as much as I used to and I miss him. I’ve been working quite a bit myself, and I picked up a burlesque show that I’m having so much fun with. (Mom hates it, but I don’t want to get into, I’m tired of fighting about it with her.) Over all though, I’m actually really happy. Every once in a while I think about Johnny, and I start tearing up, and it always just happens to be at work (Of course, right?)

For the past few weeks I’ve been participating in NaNoWoMo, which is National Novel Writing Month. Basically, you try to write at least 50,000 words in one month, which is about 1,600 words a day, give or take. I’ve been going crazy on my days off and I’m almost at 30,000 words. If I finish this book, I may try to self publish for e-book. Parts of it are really good, but I feel like some of the parts are just crap. Who knows though, when it’s done I’ll have friends read it and help me edit before I try and go any further. I’m not expecting much if I do publish, but it will be exciting to publish.

Every day I’m more in love with Matt. There haven’t been many people in my life that I can be myself around and tell everything to. He’s one that I can, and I’m glad for it. He actually listens to me when I talk to him, but yet he still has a backbone. He doesn’t just do everything I ask him to right away, I hate that in a person. If you don’t want to do something, tell me, and he does. But he loves me so much, and that’s what is important to me. I can’t imagine my life without him and I can’t wait for the rest of my life.



September 19, 2012

It’s crazy to me that a year in, I’m still really happy with Matt. Normally about this time I start getting bored with the relationship, but not with Matt. I find myself thinking more and more about the future and how life is going to be and I get excited. It feels great to be with someone who I consider to be my best friend. So many people who have been happily married for a while have said things like that, so I know I’m on the right track. I know I can be myself around him, and that’s hard for me sometimes. I also know that I don’t have to be perfect because he doesn’t care about that. He just loves me for me. How lucky am I? Sometimes I forget, but I know I’m lucky.


One Year?!

September 10, 2012

A year ago today Matt and I became official. And we’re celebrating it the same way we started, I was at work and I’m pretty sure we were both sick. It’s been a great year, I actually can’t believe it’s been only a year, it feels like longer. We fit each other perfectly. We have almost the same personality and sense of humor. He shows me he loves me in the smallest things. Like, if he makes pasta he knows I want to snack on some, because I love cooked pasta. He includes me in everything. We’re perfect together. Now hopefully we both feel well enough to get Kelsey’s tomorrow, I’ve been wanting that for a while now!


Deal with it?

August 14, 2012

Everyone deals with death differently. Some break down and can’t deal with it, some try to be strong, some more on faster than they think they should. I feel like I’m at level most of the time. But then again, I’ve a lot of help. Matt got me Batman and has been there for me every step of the way. Last night though, it was weird. All of a sudden it just hit me, I didn’t cry, but it made me feel a little weird. And it was nothing that made it hit me either. I was out with Matt and I was watching him play pool and it just hit me. I still don’t know why. I’m just lucky I have Matt, and friends who know that I really don’t want to talk about it. I don’t know, life is weird.


So uhh..yea

August 7, 2012

Being able to work has def. helped. Along with Matt, and Batman the cat. Matt has always been awesome, but he’s just been more awesome lately. That just confirms to me that we belong together. He’s been here for me to support me the entire time. He’s actually kept me sane. He listens to me when I need to talk about it, and he pushes me to do stuff when he knows I need to do it.

It was insane how many people came on Saturday. Victoria drove up and came with Katie and Jean, and Christine and her husband Zach came up from South Bend. Victoria, Katie and Jean I knew were coming, but Christine I had no idea. I’ve thought I’d been an awful friend and big to her since she graduated, espically since I couldn’t go to her wedding. That just proves to me that she still cares, even if I suck at it. There were even people who came that were Johnny’s friends who I had no idea who they were. He was well loved. I already knew that though, even though he was quiet he was a good friend and I’m glad so many other people knew that.


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